THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF A RELATIONSHIP: Communication Habits That Can Break Bonds

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and emotional disconnects are part of any close bond. But how couples communicate during these tough moments can make or break the relationship.

Through decades of research, renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman identified four key communication behaviours that strongly predict the breakdown of relationships. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like the biblical warning signs, these "horsemen" signal serious trouble ahead if left unchecked.

Understanding and addressing these harmful habits is the first step toward creating a healthier, more respectful, and resilient connection.

1.   Criticism

Criticism goes beyond expressing a complaint. It attacks your partner’s character or personality. It often starts with “you always…” or “you never…” and implies that there’s something wrong with the person, not just their behaviour.

Example:

“You never help with the kids. You’re so selfish!”

Why It’s Harmful:

Criticism can make the other person feel attacked, blamed, and emotionally unsafe. Over time, it erodes trust and intimacy.

Healthier Alternative 

Use a complaint, not criticism.

Focus on the behaviour and how it affects you.

Example: “I felt overwhelmed today and could have used help with the kids.”

2.   Contempt

Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen. It involves mocking, name-calling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or hostile humour. It communicates disgust and superiority.

Example:

“Oh, of course, you forgot again. You’re so clueless, it’s pathetic.”

Why It’s Harmful:

Contempt is corrosive. It conveys disrespect and can make the other person feel worthless. Gottman’s research shows that contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.

Healthier Alternative 

Build a culture of appreciation.

Regularly express gratitude and respect for your partner, even for small things. This builds emotional safety and mutual fondness.

3.   Defensiveness

Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of denying responsibility, making excuses, or counterattacking. It can sound like you’re shifting blame instead of owning up.

Example:

“It’s not my fault we’re late! You’re the one who took forever getting ready.”

Why It’s Harmful:

Defensiveness blocks resolution and escalates conflict. It tells your partner their feelings aren’t valid, and it prevents growth and change.

Healthier Alternative 

Take responsibility.

Acknowledge your part, even if it’s small.

Example: “I should have managed my time better too. Let’s figure out how to be quicker next time.”

4.   Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or stops responding during conflict. It’s like building an emotional wall to avoid discomfort.

Example:

(Partner speaks, other partner stays silent, stares away, or leaves the room.)

Why It’s Harmful:

Stonewalling creates distance and disconnection. It often signals emotional overwhelm and can make the other person feel abandoned or rejected.

Healthier Alternative

Practice self-soothing and reconnection.

Take a break if you feel flooded, then return when calmer.

Example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 20-minute break and talk again when I’ve cooled down?”

Replacing the Horsemen with Healthy Habits

The presence of the Four Horsemen doesn’t automatically mean a relationship is doomed. What matters is how couples repair and replace these patterns with healthier alternatives. The antidotes of the Four Horsemen; gentle start-up, appreciation, responsibility, and self-soothing not only defuse tension, but also build emotional safety and trust. These small yet powerful changes can transform how partners relate, creating stronger, more connected relationships.