SAYING NO: Assertive Communication

It’s just two letters, and yet saying no can feel really hard, even complicated. For many of us, saying no doesn’t just feel awkward. It feels wrong. So, whenever someone asks us to do something, we might blurt out, “Yes! Sure! Of course! Happy to!” But in reality, we may feel the opposite. Maybe we’d rather be doing about a thousand other things. Or maybe we’re okay with saying yes, but it’s not the best thing for our daily bandwidth or mental health. Here’s the good news. Saying no is a skill you can sharpen. The more you say no, the more natural it’ll feel.

Here are several ways to build the skill of saying no in different situations, even if it feels like you’re doing it from the ground up. For starters, it’s important to realize that if saying no is challenging for you, you’re not alone. Many people agree to things, even things they would prefer not to do, simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying ‘no’. As social creatures who crave acceptance, we also want to preserve our relationships. So, we might blurt out yes because we don’t want to be seen as difficult. Or, we don’t want to disappoint a good friend or hurt someone’s feelings.

Our past is another reason that yes pours out of us. While growing up, you might have not learnt to advocate for yourself. It’s also possible that you say yes because you deeply want to help. But you forget that your ability to accommodate others isn’t an endless well.

In professional settings, declining a request can trigger fears of being perceived as incapable. However, it's essential to remember the self-preservation aspect of turning things down. Saying "no" is one of the most effective forms of self-care, allowing us to create space in our schedules, align with our goals, and establish boundaries with others.

Sometimes, we say yes because we don’t know what we want. Other times, we simply need to gather ourselves enough to speak up. Either way, here’s your permission slip to start thinking about when it’s best for you to decline. It can help to work with a therapist if that’s available to you. A therapist can help you identify both what you need and what blocks you from advocating for what you need.

Here’s a great thing about saying no: you can decline a request while still being kind, appreciative, and respectful. Be crystal clear with your no. An unsure answer can make the conversation awkward and confuse the person making the request. They might think, “Do they want me to make other suggestions or accommodations?” A flimsy no, on the other hand, opens the door to difficult people bombarding you with their demands. In short, be as clear as day with your no, so that nobody is left wondering what you are trying to say.

Sometimes, you’d like to say yes but the timing is off. Or there’s some other reason you can’t accept. But you’d like to in the future. If that’s the case, you can consider offering an alternative that you’re comfortable with and one that honours your needs. If you have the time, desire, and [connections], offer another person or resource that they might look into. Sharing other recommendations means you’re still being helpful, which, for many people, is a core value.

In some cases, you’re just not sure what you’d like to do. Maybe it’s an amazing opportunity and you want to try to rework your schedule. Perhaps you’d like to help out a friend, but it’s a big ask. Before you say no, figure out what you actually want. Is it a full-blown no? Or is it a not now? For example, you don’t have the bandwidth for a fun work project right now, but you think you will next month. Either way, you need time to think it through. So, take it. Consider the negative and positive consequences of accepting or declining a request. Taking a breath and a few minutes can allow you to be more thoughtful in your no and possibly prevent you from a knee-jerk yes or even a hasty no.

Saying no is hard for many people. So, we blurt out yes to requests we’d rather decline and frequently end up regretting it. We often believe that we are protecting other people by saying yes when we want to say no. But being transparent about our feelings, needs, and limits leads to healthier, more authentic relationships. Saying no and honouring your feelings, needs, and limits also leads to a healthier you. Thankfully, saying no is a skill anyone can build. The key is to keep practising. After all, we can only have power over ourselves, so, let’s exercise that power.